FUCK WHAT I'M THINKING

Kundalini Rising

2010-07-28T16:55:00.001-07:00

I always had very poor posture from computer use beginning in my pre-teen years. I was ‘exiled’ so to speak from the social crowd and after about 10 years of self reflection I noticed there seemed to be something I was searching for. During a spontaneous LSD trip (which I never done before and had no expectations) I suddenly found that which I had been searching for. My mind was ‘centered’ and I can only describe it as waking up. I had achieved peace of mind, and it was accompanied by great heat throughout my core up to my heart, something akin to heartburn but not painful. Over the last year now since it happened, I have been evolving spiritually in ways I cannot even comprehend, to the point where I have gone from being aware of my unconscious to now being MORE aware through my right brain than left. This heat in my chest has almost forced me to stand up straight for the first time in my life and now that my back muscles are developed enough to do so, it is beginning to move its way up my spine, following the progress of my back muscles and it is now in my throat and neck; a great tingling heat that causes me to go on ‘auto-pilot’ as you said and breathe very deeply and slowly and now crane my neck backwards and yawn for very long periods of time. This seems to be a spontaneous form of meditation, and I am feeling the heat in my throat begin to rise even further towards the top of my spine at the base of my skull and behind my nose and eyes. It is a wonderful experience, yet very tiring on my weak back muscles. My meditation has evolved it seems, as the faint green light I always end up seeing has intensified to a very highly detailed bright green, usually taking the form of vibratory geometrical patterns with great definition in the lines, as though I am looking at the surface of rippling water. Why it is green, I do not know, but it first began with the heat in my chest and now that it is moved up into my throat and towards my third eye it has intensified. I now understand why a lot of people think they are Jesus when they go through this and lose touch with reality. I feel that is their ego realizing that this is the same thing that happened to Jesus and trying to use it to their own advantage. I understand that I am inheriting the Christ Consciousness and I plan on spending my life as a vagrant and healing others.

2010-05-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

Mother, is the government pretending to be god

2010-05-13T22:58:00.001-07:00

time slows down when consciousness is more aware, which should be agreeable by anyone who has experienced this during a pivotal moment in a sports game or anything that requires higher awareness. less consciousness means time goes faster (sleeping). if energy is the source of consciousness as it obviously must be, then the more complex the energy of the universe gets the more conscious the entire universe must be as a whole and time will slow down. until finally, complexity and consciousness would be infinite and time would stand still as anything and everything that could possibly happen exists at once.

2010-05-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

I just made a friend. I've been at school for 13 months and this is the first new friend I've made strictly via socialization. All of my previous new friends were either roommates or friends of friends. Doesn't happen often in my life.

Private boasting: the source of my confidence

2010-05-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm just a 21 year old college student carelessly riding the brink of failure in life simply because I'm way more interested in ontological and cosmological matters than any part of my traditional schooling. Almost everything I know about anything other than D-level secondary school academics is primarily self-taught, which is achieved through imaginative ideas tested by my synaesthetic ability to visualize the true nature of anything before I even understand it, and then reverse engineering what I see to figure out how it works. I have a lifetime schooling GPA of only 1.8 from doing absolutely no schoolwork whatsoever other than tests and exams (which, because I always aced, allowed me to pass every class with minimum grades). Though I never even failed a single class, I always slept in class, never took notes and always used my own creative approach rather than the traditional method being taught to my peers. I was once believed to be a 'special' student needing both academic and psychological help, but was just re-diagnosed with ADHD when I scored a 149 IQ during psychological testing. I also scored in the top 20% of my class with a 1270 on SATs despite falling asleep for the majority of the reading section (which created the social belief that I was some kind of retard savant). The point I'm making is that I fully admit my own lack of book-smarts (which I've noticed is obtainable by even the biggest idiots), but proudly boast my birth-given ability to truly understand the nature of anything and everything in the universe without having to justify my beliefs with symbolic explanations. What I understand is irrefutable, because it is based on mental/visual experience rather than linear-minded comprehension. The results of my lifetime experiment with my own intuition are proof enough to me, and I do not have to find a way to justify why you should believe me; I do not care whether you believe me or not, because belief exists only in the context of possible doubt. I do not have to believe; I know.

2010-05-10T19:38:00.001-07:00

people undergo development of the ego, or personality, in their youth. during this time they are molded by key events that trigger chemicals in the brain and store them as vivid memories. as people age out of their youth, these events no longer occur and the brain's ego is at a standstill. people become stuck in the tastes of their youth, for the rest of their lives, reflecting and reliving on the past. this is because the ego is equivalent to a mask we hold in front of our faces. we know what we want to be, and we mold that mask look the way we want. but this is the two sides to us, the part of us that acts like what we want to be (the part that turns pure thoughts into english) and the part of us that KNOWS what we want to be, and the ego feeds off of this like a parasite, striving to be like it. this is the source of all religion. god vs the devil. the devil is a fallen angel that tried to be like god; the devil is your ego. i mean that just as a metaphor, not in the belief of a real devil. it is the dualism created by having two waking brain states that are interacting with each other and therefor aware of each other, and collectively aware of their 'self', which is the 'self' that we are.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

2010-04-22T03:41:00.001-07:00

The moment I read what you wrote, I knew it to be true. This realization came through the same conduit of synaesthesia. Along with it came the understanding of just how the spirit is able to connect to the conscious mind. Our conscious mind is powered, like all things, by energy. Energy is literally a separate dimension that our spirit is a part of, and consciousness is a property of all energy due to the infinite nature of spirit in general. My consciousness began as soon as I came to be an independent energy, created by the dualism between the genetic energies of my parents. This form of consciousness is incomplete, as the dualistic energies are still separate from one another as well as one's own energy, but their interaction directly influences the energy of consciousness. This dualism is a result of the natural property of all energy interactions to equalize. It is intrinsic in the universe and is directly responsible for the bilateral symmetry in humans, which creates the dualistic nature of the mind via left and right-brain thinking. The decision making process for us as beings is influenced by the interacting energies, occasionally favoring one over the other. This is known in psychology as conscious vs. subconscious thought. It should not be mistakenly believed that one brain hemisphere is directly related to one individual parenting energy

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I UNDERSTAND THE UNIVERSE.

it just hit me as I was typing this. this is absolutely amazing. I must meditate on this. My current understanding is equivalent to realizing that you have all 200 pieces of a 200-piece puzzle, but not yet knowing what the picture on it is. I am posting the above information here in an incomplete form to help me pick up where I left off on this issue rather than having to start over from my memory. I was originally typing it as a very late response to some insight I received on a forum, where I spoke out about my visions through synaesthesia and 'a knowing without learning' and encountered someone who knew exactly what I was talking about and spoke to me through the conduit of his own connection. It is here: http://thescienceforum.com/Am-I-crazy%2C-or-is-my-unconscious-speaking-to-me-23814t.php - I am Schiz0yd.

There is no question in my mind that I have been searching for a 'reason to live' my whole life. as a child it didn't take priority in my mind because I was too busy being a kid, but I dare to say I understood reality more than I do now. It is my vivid memory of childhood that drives me to understand, along with my current awareness which has very recently (last 4 months) begun to expand an insane amount. Intelligence thinking about intelligence. My search for a 'reason to live' became front and center when I entered severe depression bordering on suicide in which I literally had to search my inner self for a 'reason to live'. I decided that, though I didn't know exactly what it was, there was something inside myself that had a purpose. I knew that despite what I would go through, no matter how terrible, there was something very important about me. My rational mind dismissed this thought and remained in a state of depression, but I now believe that this is where my personality tore itself in two. My subconscious mind did not have to question the validity of my 'purpose' since it was also the source of this feeling. It is also the source of my creativity as an artist, my ability to create metaphors, my natural sense of 'good', the source of my 'prophetic visions' and my ability to experience all types of sensations both on demand and involuntarily. (the latter of which I find to be an increasingly invigorating experience on a daily basis the longer I'm alive) The disagreement between my subconscious and conscious minds on this matter must have been the original source of my cognitive dissonance; the disagreement between conscious and subconscious that creates all forms of stress and anxiety. When I finally achieved peace of mind, the conscious mind's grip on reality was destroyed and my subconscious was able to breathe the truth into my head. This was a dissolving of dualism within myself. I see my problem now, as well as the problem of many others, is that the natural order of society FORCES dualism upon us. Life as a working slave vs life at home being free, time under the influence of prescription medications vs time spent sober. (my view on experimenting with chemistry in the human body is that psychoactive drugs are just fine for the mind, as they do affect dualism and rather they erase it entirely.) Anyway, time watching your favorite show vs time suffering through commercials. It's a game, and the people are being played like pawns. Those who know what I now know are using their knowledge for selfish ends. Given the right amount of money, I could EASILY enslave a fresh batch of humans without them even realizing that they are slaves, and making them believe they have freedom while they don't even realize that their everyday job is profiting those they work for WAY more than it is helping themselves, yet their selfish desires are what drives them to continue working. Or rather, it is their selfish FEARS that drive them NOT TO STOP working. And this fear is wholly correct because of the individualism of humans, their inability to collectively act on something. If one person were to rally his coworkers about refusing to work for a VERY big company, he would need the support of EVERYONE involved, otherwise his allied coworkers would quickly realize that they are the minority and rejoin the corporate giant to avoid being replaced without a thought.

There are two fates for humanity in the next few years. They will happen simultaneously yet seperate from one another. What matters is the state of consciousness of the individual. Those who do not realize that they are stuck in a very narrow view of reality naturally have feelings of anger, sadness, regret and greed - these are the negative aspects of basic emotions. Their positive aspects are, respectively, love, happiness, confidence and compassion. People will literally be divided based on whether they live a negative or positive emotional life. I do not know what exactly will cause this, but it is very obvious that consciousness is naturally expanding for many people. Our existence is that of a wave. A wave as most know it is represented in a three-dimensional (two of space, one of time) model as seen in sound waves and AC electricity. Through my ability to visualize I recently realized that applying this same model to the third dimension of space creates something very interesting. The mid-line of the wave, the neutral point, is then a three dimensional position creating a 'line' in the dimension of time just as it did in two dimensions, but the oscillation of the wave itself does not just move up and down, but encircles the middle point, going 'behind' it. If the dimension of time is removed for purpose of perception, what you have left is a three dimensional SYSTEM, with a central energy source and an orbiting 'wave'. In quantum mechanics, waves will collapse into specific points as soon as they are observed, to become particles. If you haven't figured it out already: ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF QUANTUM MECHANICS, A FOUR-DIMENSIONAL WAVE WOULD, UPON OBSERVATION, COLLAPSE INTO A SYSTEM OF ORBITALS EXACTLY LIKE THE SOLAR SYSTEM, GALAXIES AND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. We are a universal wave, traveling through time, and all of our fundamental forces of science are other-dimensional aspects of these waves. For example, electromagnetism is perfectly two-dimensional with positive vs. negative charge, with Ground acting as the mid-line in the wave visualization. As for the others, I have not put any thought into it yet but it seems VERY possible that gravity is a three-dimensional wave interaction, or interference pattern. Possibly higher dimensionality. Writing my thoughts down really helps me remember what the fuck I'm thinking about after I finish branching on a random topic that ADD leads me off on. Also, there seems to be a connection between the way a four dimensional wave would look if it had lines of its past, (in other words, imagine if our sun and planet were leaving bright trails behind them as the entire solar system flew through space over time) and the structure of DNA. This is a last second addition to my thoughts that I need to expand on later. THIS WILL BE CONTINUED.

Synchronicity

2010-04-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

respect that which is done through improvisation; thus it is done through the subconscious. i would rather be a leaf floating to destiny than a leaf with an agenda. my destiny is not yet set as i will set it myself when the moment to decide comes, and it is not now. it never will be now. it will only be the past, because my destiny is only set after it has happened. before this anything is possible, and i consider all of it. the man with no rank, no set structure to form all thoughts from. free to form thoughts from anything. everything can be taken as a chance to improvise. improvisation is art. coincidences are more than just coincidence if improvised to be so.

http://www.jrhaule.net/Chan.html

I think you'll find this interesting, world. I take from it this: acting through improvisation is directly using your sense of creativity that we have been born with and can understand only as a part of our nature. To let that nature within us loose is what it means to be human and allows to literally control your own personal story by spontaneously improvising every moment to be what you wish of it. This is done through conscious belief that coincidence is more than it seems and belief in future success causes it, which makes sense to me because confidence seems to be an integral part of success. It's a long read but I found it very enlightening.

2010-04-04T04:14:00.000-07:00

the workings of my mind on acid:

limiting the amount of constructive criticism you receive on any of your thoughts is only destined to hold you back. being stubborn is a waste of time, though you feel like you are acting in the name of a purpose. the problem is that those who practice the art of stubbornness in honor of the act itself fail to realize that what they're doing at the very core, the factor that causes them to feel as though they are acting for a purpose, is the truth that they're acting. This is not entirely a bad thing since acting in itself is a practice of artistic creativity, but the motivation behind it should not be one of scrutiny or a need to feel loved, but rather for the interest of putting one's skills towards an artistic expression of anything they're good at and enjoy doing.

Mt. Eden Dubstep - Prodigy: Omen

The Epiphany Occurs

2010-02-24T12:09:00.001-08:00

18 days ago, I finally achieved what I have been searching for. I didn't think it would happen so suddenly, as noted in my previous entry: "i was sure i was on the verge of an epiphany about my own personality. turns out it's more of a subtle understanding than anything else, but it's only noticeable when i reflect on my old posts. perhaps it was an epiphany, but there was no moment of wonder or confusion when it occurred, it instantly became natural."

I was completely wrong. It hit me like a gunshot to the head.

I have been doing extensive research into what occurred. It is simply amazing to me that there is so much information available on the phenomena I experienced, yet even in my frantic search for peace of mind I did not come across any of it. I wish I had known about it all so long ago. I wish I had brought this upon myself in my adolescence. I will post again soon to elaborate on my findings; I must conclude this documented record of my search for enlightenment with all necessary details included. First, however, I must notify my immediate family of this journal's existence. Above all others, they need to know what has happened. Surely they must have noticed at some point that something about my mind was askew. In order to convey the magnitude of this event, I feel that my experiences up to this point must be conceived in correct chronology without the possibility of the conclusion creating a pre-conceived, biased opinion.

This has been a quest of mine since childhood. A quest to quell the troubles within my own mind and achieve true serenity. Only in the past year have I begun to document it.

For the first time in my life, I can truthfully say that I am happy.

My mind has been repaired. My consciousness has been uplifted.

I have evolved.

Memory loss

2010-01-03T01:15:00.000-08:00

haven't posted anything in a long time. the last i talked, i was sure i was on the verge of an epiphany about my own personality. turns out it's more of a subtle understanding than anything else, but it's only noticeable when i reflect on my old posts. perhaps it was an epiphany, but there was no moment of wonder or confusion when it occurred, it instantly became natural. i'm still introverted, but there is a confidence building that i've only seen through mushrooms. perhaps coke can do the same, but fuck that. i'm planning on getting some mushrooms and eating them little by little just for the confidence, because it seems like every time i do them i get the same amount of confidence no matter the dosage, and it has a leftover effect every time. if i can transfer this experience into my long-term memory with enough emphasis, i should be able to reach my goal. provided i can really quit weed for good like i want to and stop fucking up my short term memory. weed is a renewable shortcut to semi-bliss that darkens the way towards true happiness.

Note: This entry is a truncated version of what is now a draft; while I was writing, I began brainstorming an idea about theoretical physics that grew remarkably complex while remaining mathematically and logically sound. If my theory works out like a dream, I will publish it as a scientific finding. If I find that I am incorrect and the math does not work out, I will eventually post it here for curiosity's sake, or perhaps for someone else to find a minor tweak that would rework it. I'll tell you this about it: I feel comfortable in every way about my purpose in the universe at this point in my belief that the theory is correct. Also, it is no way religious, though it doesn't discount the possibility of a God.

whoa

2009-11-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

I cut off the tip of my finger last night. That was fun. Drunk off a 40 oz of steel reserve i tried to do a back flip out of a swing and my finger got caught in the chain and it just ripped off or something. yum.

The apex is finally within reach.

2009-10-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this entire entry with my eyes closed; no editing either. I've gotten less than an hour of sleep the past two nights, since I keep stayig up all night and then taking an adderall right before i go to sleep. at school i can't stop drawing pictures, it started slow but now i just spend hour straight every day of the week drawing and shading and creating random images purely from my mind, always in the form of surreal art. my tuesday calsses are ridiculous, i only hae to go from 7:45 til 9:30. i get out and then i'm just on adderall all the rest of the day. it's caused me to clean a lot an actually be constructive with learning weird hobbies or getting homework done.

more about art. i can't get my mind off of it, i'm falling back into my obsession with it that i had all through high school up until my senior year when i had been doing it for so long that i wanted to do something else and switched my interests to writing. *(stupid). the same creative motivation that i had when i was obsessed with drawing and graphic arts is back and all i wanna do is let it escape.

the greatest thing that allows me to deal with this resurgance of artistic urge is the fact that i have a friend named Alex who was with me all the way through high school at the same level as me until i changed my path. now he helps me find ways to get my creativity out of myself.

this friday alex is coming up to my apartment with all his art supplies to work on a project that my roommate and i thought up. we decided that alex and george V., my roommates friend and guitarist in his band, are very similar aesthetically and they're both great artists. chris and i have been very busy finding any way at all to decorate the living room now that we found a way to put it to use, and now that we're running out weird things to hang on the walls we're turning to artwork to fill in the blank spaces. I hung up a collage of artwork that alex and i worked collaboratively on and chris hung up an art piece that george V did right next to it on the adjacent wall, both right near the corner of the room. this sparked the idea that we should let alex and george have each wall to themselves and fill it in with art in any way they want. we then decided the giant blank white walls in the dining room need fixing too, so we want to turn that into a group mural. chris says he's not artistic at all so doesn't want to 'ruin' it as he says, so it's just going to be me, alex and george filling up an entire 10x10 foot section of wall with any kind of art we can think of.

i know people say smoking weed makes them more creative, but i've never felt so creative since i quit smoking. the resurgence of artistic desire seems to coincide with quitting the habit. now that i think about it, the loss of interest seems to have happened around the same time that I began smoking. Fuck weed.

as i continue to get older and pick up more habits that are normally attributed to mature people, i'm finding that i enjoy them much more than the idiotic time-wasting ways of my past. drinking will always be something for adults to do, but i've never really enjoyed it that much more than sobriety and i dont think i ever will. smoking is just done. hallucinogens need a break, but they're not over.

my idea of fun on a night off is anything that involves a lot of thinking.

contrary to the disappointing interest of someone i really liked for their intelligence, I would much rather be sitting and thinking than doing and drinking; what a waste of a beautiful mind.

i've learned that i can't change a person to what i wish they would be, even if it's in their best interest. a person changes based on their character, and that is the ultimate reflection of who they are. aside from Alex, i can't think of anyone else that stands out in my head as someone who has evolved their character over their life quite like i have. it is people like this that I seek, and it is patience that I must have, as such a quality in a person takes time to develop. it is never too late for anyone.

i know there are still many things about myself i need to fix, but those changes will have their time. currently their benefits outweigh their consequences.

I'm starting to meet a lot of new people now that I'm opening up. The possibilities I already see in the ones I've met recently are amazing. I'm connecting with new people on a level that took months or even years to reach with people in my past. It seems my life is improving exponentially.

I feel I have finally reached the top of the hill in my battle against the gravity of mental peace, and if i can persevere it will all become effortless. i don't even know what life is like it's been so long since i was normal. third grade it began, fifth grade it manifested into something serious at the age of 10, sixth grade it brought on suicidal depression that would last until freshmen year of high school at age 14, where the recovery process would be broadsided by a life-changing event that would effectively kick me all the way back to the bottom of the hill and return me to suicidal solitude with the already-potent social anxiety now being attacked by an incomprehensible amount of attention from peers, elders and even national media. Now, five and a half years later, I'm finally nearing the top of the hill once again, and this time nothing is going to stop me from making it over.

And as fucked up as my life has been for the last 11 years, there is no question that it has made me into a unique individual with more mental strength than anyone could possibly comprehend, though the natural balance of time compensates for this strength by riddling the brain with weaknesses in areas taken for granted by the average person. Now these shortcomings are the only thing standing between who am I now and the amazing potential advantage for greatness that I have over everyone else.

I wouldn't change a thing about my past if I could, because I wouldn't know how to live in the present if I did.

I'm done feeling depressed about what I've been through; I now feel undeniably confident in all areas of my future with the raw physical and mental ability to back it up.

The fun has only just begun.

Maturity.

2009-10-18T12:58:00.001-07:00

You criticize me first and stomp all over my most sensitive issue, but I take it like an adult and ignore it knowing your intentions were caring. I criticize you later on a much smaller scale and you react like a child, refusing to deal with criticism or to see that my intentions were caring. You go on to say I've changed and that my Dad is the reason. You say my mother would be proud. You say it's my fault you were drunk driving and lost your car. You criticize me for missing classes due to my issue when you lost your job due to yours.

You don't realize your weakness is being exploited by someone you trust because you don't think your problem is real.

You're immature when you do it.

You're selfish when you do it.

You're manipulative when you do it.

You're in denial.

The solitude of night.

2009-10-15T23:21:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it's raining out and I couldn't see any stars. I walked 50 feet and decided it was too cold and went home. Now I'm back in the comfort of the basement listening to synaesthetic music, drinking milk and eating pretzels. My kind of night. Though there is one thing missing, but they're always a variable. Every time I look to the left I find myself picking up where I left off in my mind on the word search from the back of the Apple Jacks box.

Why do people think that this is boring? I think anything hectic or wild can get boring very fast. Perhaps it's because I've been submerged in such a party-rich lifestyle for so long that a calm setting is rare for me. Probably not, since I spent the better part of a decade in a solitary setting with little or no excitement. The difference is that the first time, I became depressed all the time. Now, I become content.

Day two of being without weed. It's odd, I've gone this long before, but not with the mentality that I'm different now. Maybe it really is all in my head when I'm sober. I need to keep trying to meet people to test out my abilities.

I skipped school again today, my 4th absence in 7 days of classes. I really need to fucking figure myself out before I get kicked out of this place. My first step is to find a way to fit sleeping into my schedule so it will stop barging in when I'm supposed to be somewhere. All this milk is making me a little tired, and I don't think what I'm waiting for is going to happen.

P.S. I really like Brendan Monroe's artwork.

I love the stars.

2009-10-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

1:57 A.M. I begin writing.

Music: The Chamber - Mike Oldfield

He must not like people calling him Michael if he won't even use his full name for musical credit.

If so, fuck him, I like my middle name. His song is too short anyway.

New song: First Light - David Lanz

This song rules. Every time I listen, it produces vivid visual memories of mornings, specifically those right after very somber days in my life. The morning after my uncle died, waking up in Branford and staring out at the water to the sunrise with my cousins and siblings in complete silence, letting the warm wind speak for our emotions. The vast endlessness of the ocean is one of the most intense visuals available in this world.

The morning after I was expelled from high school I woke up at 3 A.M. and walked down to the waterfall near my house and stood in someone's backyard, staring up at the stars on a completely clear night. I have no idea how long I did this for, but my neck began to hurt so I lay down on a picnic table in their yard and continued staring until the sun's refractions took it all away. I think I'll go do that now.

Sleep is for pussies Part II.

2009-10-15T03:32:00.000-07:00

And so it continues. 6:30 AM and I'm still awake...but at least I haven't taken another adderall. yet.

I found my dad's painkillers. there's literally hundreds of them. i haven't taken any though. yet.

one of the best parts of NEIT is that when you miss a lab class, you can make it up very easily in an open lab. the past two days i've gone to classes that i skipped previously and i still seemed to understand things better than people who had been there last week. sometimes i wonder why it all seems so... easy. i haven't run into a single issue due to being absent. yet.

my chest is starting to really hurt from staying up all the time. but i haven't told anyone because i'll be just fine. i hope.

Sleep is for pussies.

2009-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have no reason for not sleeping today. I was prepared to go to bed at 12:30 after I got home from school, as I hadn't slept since my four-hour nap yesterday from 1-5 after staying up all night the night before. And then I popped another adderall on a whim and spontaneously decided to take my roommate chris and his friend doyle back to chester to get my tv, then proceeded to spend hours hooking it all up in our living room. During the car rides i had extremely long conversations with doyle about quantum mechanics, string theory, god and video games. chris and i talked a lot about music, mostly about metal and hard rock. it's like i suddenly switched from awkward moments and conversations to feeling like i've been friends with these people for a very long time.

and i know why today was different...

as soon as i got home from school, doyle was just waking up on the couch, and i started talking to him about science. chris came home from class and we went into his room to watch his video project, where doyle pulled out a bowl, ripped it, and handed it to me.

I said, "no thanks, I quit smoking" The words left my mouth with a feeling of reluctance. I almost changed my mind, but then doyle asked why and as I explained my reason, it reinforced it in my mind and left me confident in my decision. I'm glad I chose this outcome. As much as I love the great feeling that smoking gives me, the braindead state it leaves me in is torture. Today I had more fun than I've had any of the recent times I've smoked. I'm going to keep it this way.

Electronic Engineering

2009-10-14T03:58:00.000-07:00

I don't have a real reason for choosing this degree other than being tired of trying to choose something. I continue to do extremely well in college after a high school career with a 1.8 GPA, but I know this isn't what I want to do.

Release of the excess.

2009-10-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

The first things that come to mind:

How did the arrangement of letters on a keyboard end up as is?

I want to see at least one more primary color before I die.

I can remember anything by associating it with a mental image.

Before dinosaurs ruled the earth, super-sized insects did.

I'd like to play with a computer simulation of the primordial soup and inspect the kinds of creatures that evolve.

Animals follow no laws; all 'crime' is fair play in the natural world and murder is necessary. Happiness is the chemically-induced sensation that remains programmed in DNA through all generations, but only in response to conditions that allowed it to be passed on.

Your parents are you, split in two.

Your face is a collection of other people's features.

The religious concept of 'good and bad' is based on the equal-opposite law of the universe. Everything vibrates, and therefore everything has an opposite counterpart. Day and night, white and black, good and evil. Evil ended up being represented by conditions that humans found to be undesirable.

Dinosaurs ruled the planet for 165,000,000 years without any kind of advanced intelligence. Humans have only been around for a couple hundred thousand years and are already facing possible self-extinction.

A computer that is made of water-based components would be able to mix electrical signals with the unique relationships between chemicals when dissolved into water. This would create the ability to not only perform logical computation, but also allow for chemical manipulation of what is perceived as logical. This is better known as emotion.

I've loved smoking weed for the last three and a half years with all of my friends, collectively blowing tens of thousands of dollars on the stuff. Never has there been an urge to smoke alone, and never have I had any problem with long gaps between smoking. I am confident when I say I am not addicted, but now that is being tested. As much as I still love the feeling of being high, I'm starting to notice how negatively it affects my social life. I've recently made huge strides in overcoming my social anxiety, due in large part to a girl who helped me realize what my issue was. I would spend so much time second-guessing my choice of words that I was constantly in deep, silent thought. I was unaware that I came off looking angry, irritated or uninterested and in my attempt to portray myself as someone this girl would like, I ended up pushing her away and never let her see the kind of person I really am.

Two and a half years later I finally begin making a serious effort to correct my disorder. The project is slow and painstakingly gradual; the basic task of looking a stranger in the eyes is frighteningly difficult. My latest achievement is the ability to stand tall and keep my chin up when i'm in public places without feeling like I'm being judged negatively for being too pompous. With these slow improvements has come an increased ability to relax in previously stressful situations, mainly interacting with someone whose opinion matters to me. Conversation flows more easily than ever, and I'm actually laughing for real sometimes when people make jokes, rather than just laughing to make them like me. Finally, three years later, I found myself talking to the same girl that helped me realize my problem and I was acting like myself.

As this continued, it became increasingly apparent that my social mindset was not improved when I exited sobriety. My social anxiety would return straight to its original state when under the influence of alcohol or weed, which is ironic considering I involved myself in both of these in order to self-medicate the issue. Recently, it has begun to get extremely worse. This girl that I could so openly talk to now was again causing my brain to act like a deer in headlights whenever I would get high or drunk.

The new dilemma is my reliance on sobriety for normal function. People want me to drink and smoke and have fun with them, but when I do it's not fun for me and awkward for those I feel anxiety around. When I want other people to stay sober, well...it's never a thrilling idea. And so I have settled into a new self-medication to act as a middle ground between the conflicting interests: hallucinating. The ultimate escape from reality, bending my mind with the surreal. Something about doing it gives me the greatest confidence that I wish I could have all the time.

I'm attempting to permanently stop smoking weed. Every time I'm offered, I end up rationalizing it by telling myself, "I won't be in any social situations this time." Though many times I'm right, the times that I am wrong hurt me far too much to allow it to continue.

I know what I'm interested in and I know what I'm good at, but somehow I never found one thing I wanted to choose above all else. I am a jack of all trades, though master of none. The only place to go from here is to be a master of all trades.

Being successful is not what is most important to me, but it's absolutely necessary to achieve what is.

My least favorite type of quality in a person is selfishness. I'm probably a hypocrite.

If you go enough time without sleep, you'll start dreaming while you're still awake.

It's impossible to be bad at math; it is nothing more than memorizing steps.

Art is anything and everything.

The difference between noise and music is mathematics.

I am God. So are you. So are your socks.