more about art. i can't get my mind off of it, i'm falling back into my obsession with it that i had all through high school up until my senior year when i had been doing it for so long that i wanted to do something else and switched my interests to writing. *(stupid). the same creative motivation that i had when i was obsessed with drawing and graphic arts is back and all i wanna do is let it escape.
the greatest thing that allows me to deal with this resurgance of artistic urge is the fact that i have a friend named Alex who was with me all the way through high school at the same level as me until i changed my path. now he helps me find ways to get my creativity out of myself.
this friday alex is coming up to my apartment with all his art supplies to work on a project that my roommate and i thought up. we decided that alex and george V., my roommates friend and guitarist in his band, are very similar aesthetically and they're both great artists. chris and i have been very busy finding any way at all to decorate the living room now that we found a way to put it to use, and now that we're running out weird things to hang on the walls we're turning to artwork to fill in the blank spaces. I hung up a collage of artwork that alex and i worked collaboratively on and chris hung up an art piece that george V did right next to it on the adjacent wall, both right near the corner of the room. this sparked the idea that we should let alex and george have each wall to themselves and fill it in with art in any way they want. we then decided the giant blank white walls in the dining room need fixing too, so we want to turn that into a group mural. chris says he's not artistic at all so doesn't want to 'ruin' it as he says, so it's just going to be me, alex and george filling up an entire 10x10 foot section of wall with any kind of art we can think of.
i know people say smoking weed makes them more creative, but i've never felt so creative since i quit smoking. the resurgence of artistic desire seems to coincide with quitting the habit. now that i think about it, the loss of interest seems to have happened around the same time that I began smoking. Fuck weed.
as i continue to get older and pick up more habits that are normally attributed to mature people, i'm finding that i enjoy them much more than the idiotic time-wasting ways of my past. drinking will always be something for adults to do, but i've never really enjoyed it that much more than sobriety and i dont think i ever will. smoking is just done. hallucinogens need a break, but they're not over.
my idea of fun on a night off is anything that involves a lot of thinking.
contrary to the disappointing interest of someone i really liked for their intelligence, I would much rather be sitting and thinking than doing and drinking; what a waste of a beautiful mind.
i've learned that i can't change a person to what i wish they would be, even if it's in their best interest. a person changes based on their character, and that is the ultimate reflection of who they are. aside from Alex, i can't think of anyone else that stands out in my head as someone who has evolved their character over their life quite like i have. it is people like this that I seek, and it is patience that I must have, as such a quality in a person takes time to develop. it is never too late for anyone.
i know there are still many things about myself i need to fix, but those changes will have their time. currently their benefits outweigh their consequences.
I'm starting to meet a lot of new people now that I'm opening up. The possibilities I already see in the ones I've met recently are amazing. I'm connecting with new people on a level that took months or even years to reach with people in my past. It seems my life is improving exponentially.
I feel I have finally reached the top of the hill in my battle against the gravity of mental peace, and if i can persevere it will all become effortless. i don't even know what life is like it's been so long since i was normal. third grade it began, fifth grade it manifested into something serious at the age of 10, sixth grade it brought on suicidal depression that would last until freshmen year of high school at age 14, where the recovery process would be broadsided by a life-changing event that would effectively kick me all the way back to the bottom of the hill and return me to suicidal solitude with the already-potent social anxiety now being attacked by an incomprehensible amount of attention from peers, elders and even national media. Now, five and a half years later, I'm finally nearing the top of the hill once again, and this time nothing is going to stop me from making it over.
And as fucked up as my life has been for the last 11 years, there is no question that it has made me into a unique individual with more mental strength than anyone could possibly comprehend, though the natural balance of time compensates for this strength by riddling the brain with weaknesses in areas taken for granted by the average person. Now these shortcomings are the only thing standing between who am I now and the amazing potential advantage for greatness that I have over everyone else.
I wouldn't change a thing about my past if I could, because I wouldn't know how to live in the present if I did.
I'm done feeling depressed about what I've been through; I now feel undeniably confident in all areas of my future with the raw physical and mental ability to back it up.
The fun has only just begun.
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